An Oak Tree Read online

  The HYPNOTIST takes up his microphone.

  ‘O Fortuna’ ends.

  The HYPNOTIST runs on stage.

  HYPNOTIST:

  Ladies and gentlemen.

  I will welcoming.

  I will.

  I.

  Welcome you to this –

  To my hypnotic world.

  To my hypnotic world.

  In a short minute’s time I will be looking for such certain volunteers to come with and join me here on this chairs these. These volunteers that they’re –

  Now, when before I ask these some hypnotic volun – superstars to come with join me, there is one are one or two things that I’d like to tell you about hypnotic about hypnosis, about stage hypnosis, about the things you’re going to see tonight, ladies and gentlemen, or rather not rather not rather the things you’ll never see in any of my shows.

  Firstly. I will never lie to you, ladies and gentlemen. You will see no false nothing false tonight. Nothing phoney. No plants, no actors. The people you will see on stage tonight, ladies and gentlemen, apart from me, are all genuine volunteers!

  You will be stars of the stars of this evening’s –

  Of all my shows all my shows are completely clean, ladies and gentlemen. Nobody will reveal any secrets tonight. In the shy, tonight, nothing nothing nobody will reveal any sexual fantasies tonight. There’s no stripping in tonight’s show. And there’s absolutely no sex in at all in.

  Sounds shit, doesn’t it.

  There is one are two types of peerson who cannot be volun – hypnotised. The first type is anyone who is mentally unstable. If you’re mentally unstable please remain in your chair.

  There may be some ladies here, ladies here who, ladies who are pregnant. If you are pregnant, congratulations, but please don’t voluntise teer for tonight’s shy. There may be some ladies who are not pregnant but would like to be. Come and see me after the show and I’ll sort you out.

  Now, in a few moments –

  I’ve got about ten chairs. Nobody will reveal any secrets and nobody will take their clothes off, but apart from that anything could happen.

  Come up ladies and gentlemen and give me a piece of your mind.

  I’m going to play some music. While the music’s playing, if you have an open mind, if you’re a game, you’re gain for a a laugh and you’re over eighteen, then I’d like you to join me on this these chairs.

  I’m going to stepping back.

  I’m stepping back to let you come forward.

  I’m going to play some music.

  I’m just the hypnotist, ladies and gentlemen; you’re the stars of the show.

  Come up, ladies and gentlemen, and give me a piece of your mind.

  Your mind.

  Your mind.

  The HYPNOTIST switches on cheesy ‘come-on-down’ music.

  Music plays.

  No volunteers. If audience members do volunteer, they are gently thanked and guided back to their seats by the HYPNOTIST.

  The HYPNOTIST feeds instructions to the FATHER’s headphones –

  ‘I’d like you to count for five in your head and in your own way, your own time, come up stage and sit on the piano stool facing the audience.’

  With the music still playing, the FATHER ‘volunteers’ for the show – walking onto the stage and sitting on the piano stool.

  The moment is held.

  Music stops.

  The sound of passing road traffic.

  HYPNOTIST:

  You’re by the side of a road now, not far from here.

  This is the place where your child was killed. You come here regularly. The truth is you can’t keep away. This is the sound of that place. Whenever you hear this sound, that’s where you are.

  It’s six thirty in the morning. You’ve been here for three hours. It’s dark and cold and the air is damp.

  You’re on the phone. Your mobile phone. You’re calling home. You want to speak to your wife. Your wife’s name is Dawn. Your younger daughter picks up the phone.

  The HYPNOTIST may feed the FATHER the following instruction: ‘Don’t repeat anything now. Just listen to what you say.’

  You say, ‘Marcy, Marcia, baby, not now.’

  You say, ‘Tell mummy it’s me, darling, would you? Would you baby?’

  A lorry thunders past.

  You say, ‘Dawn, love, I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I couldn’t sleep. Dawn.’

  You say, ‘I’m weaker. I’m weaker than you.’

  You say, ‘She’s here, love. She’s here. I’m with her now.’

  It starts to rain. Your face flushes with colour.

  You say, ‘Dawn. Dawn.’

  You say, ‘Fuck you.’

  The HYPNOTIST offers up his microphone to the FATHER.

  Would you say ‘Fuck you’ into the microphone.

  FATHER:

  Fuck you.

  A lorry thunders past.

  HYPNOTIST:

  The phone’s dead. You’re cold in this rain. By this tree.

  Dawn will come to get you. In about fifty minutes. Towards the end of the play. She’ll bring Marcy. She’ll tell you that it’s fucking freezing. The two of you will argue. You’ll argue about the nature of this piano stool. She’ll say, ‘It’s a tree, Andy, it’s just a fucking tree’.

  Roadside sound stops as the HYPNOTIST switches on the cheesy music again. The HYPNOTIST turns to an empty chair in the line of chairs.

  HYPNOTIST:

  Have you ever been hypnotised before, young lady?

  X, come and sit on this chair and then say ‘No’.

  The HYPNOTIST offers his own microphone to pick up the FATHER’s replies.

  FATHER:

  No.

  HYPNOTIST:

  Well there’s a first time for everything, isn’t there ladies and gentlemen. What’s your name, gorgeous? Say Amanda.

  FATHER:

  Amanda.

  HYPNOTIST:

  That’s a beautiful name for a beautiful girl. Isn’t she beautiful ladies and gentlemen? Sit back Amanda, relax and enjoy.

  What’s your name mate?

  The HYPNOTIST turns to another empty chair in the line.

  Move to this chair say ‘Richard’.

  FATHER:

  Richard.

  HYPNOTIST:

  He’s a good looking lad, isn’t he, girls. A bit of eye candy for the ladies! Just sit back, Richard, sit back and relax! Great.

  And you sir, what’s your name?

  Move to this one, say ‘Keith’.

  FATHER:

  Keith.

  HYPNOTIST:

  It’s Keith Richards, ladies and gentlemen!

  You ever been hypnotised, Keith?

  Say ‘yeah’.

  FATHER:

  Yeah.

  HYPNOTIST:

  Hey, well you’ll know when what well you to do, won’t you.

  What’s your name, darling?

  Sit on this chair and say ‘Jacqui’.

  FATHER:

  Jacqui.

  HYPNOTIST:

  A bit nervous, Jacqui? Or maybe just a bit pissed!

  Nothing to be nervous about. Just sit back, relax and enjoy the show.

  Sit on the piano stool.

  Although, Jacqui, actually, it’s him I’d be nervous of. (Referring to the second actor now on the piano stool.)

  What’s your name, mate?

  Say, ‘Can I have a word?’

  FATHER:

  Can I have a word?

  HYPNOTIST:

  Can you have a word?! Yes, mate, you can have a word! Um, ‘Bollocks!’ That’s a word, isn’t it? Got a right one here, haven’t we ladies and gentlemen, going to have to keep our eyes on that one!!

  Sit on this chair. A big smile out.

  I thought I said no one with a mental illness! What’s your name, mate?

  Say ‘Neil’.

  FATHER:

  Neil.

  The HYPNOTIST kneels. A gag.

  HYPNOTIST: />
  What’s your name, mate.

  Say ‘Neil’.

  FATHER:

  Neil.

  HYPNOTIST:

  Your wife in, Neil? Say, ‘Wanker’.

  FATHER:

  Wanker.

  HYPNOTIST:

  Go and sit on the piano stool.

  HYPNOTIST:

  Right mate. Okay.

  Thank you, Neil, if you’d like to go back into the audience and join your party.

  The HYPNOTIST puts ‘Neil’s’ chair over on its side and elicits a round of applause from the audience for ‘Neil’.

  Ladies and gentlemen, a round of applause for Neil!

  I want this show to be a good one. I really do. I was doing a a a gig just last week. Everything brilliant. Everyone hypnotised. Everyone doing everything I asked them to do.

  And just before the end of the show, just before the end I, er, I slipped off the edge of the stage, arse over tit. And the last thing I said before I landed was ‘Fuck me’. Couldn’t sit down for a month. A week.

  The HYPNOTIST stops the music.

  The sound of the roadside is there.

  The HYPNOTIST talks to the FATHER through headphones – inaudible to the audience.

  ‘Beautiful. You’re by the side of the road again. It’s a really important place for you. It has a really strong emotional charge, this place. When I finish speaking, I’d like you to count to five in your head and then bring your arms out in front of you, as if you’re hugging a tree.’

  The FATHER brings out his arms.

  A lorry thunders past.

  ‘Fantastic. Just keep that position.’

  ‘When you hear music, I want you to slowly, slowly lower your right arm until it’s as low as it can go. And at the same time I want you to slowly, slowly, raise your left arm as high as you can.

  You can take about 30 seconds, a long time. Start moving your arms when the music begins. Your left arm will go up, your right arm will go down.’

  The roadside sound stops as the HYPNOTIST switches on different music – hypnotic trance music.

  HYPNOTIST:

  Now, I’m as as that weight is taking your right hand down I want to imagine that on your left hand I’m attaching a helium filled balloon. There, I’m tying a helium filled balloon around your left left wrist and I want you to imagine that your left arm is getting lighter and lighter and starting to float up higher and higher and higher. That’s great! Really good. Lighter and lighter. Fifty times lighter. Fifty times lighter.

  No weight, Ian? Nothing? Not even – Thank you, if you’d like to go and rejoin the audience.

  The HYPNOTIST puts down another empty chair (‘Ian’s’ chair).

  Ladies and gentlemen, a round of applause for Ian!

  The FATHER’s arms are getting more extreme.

  Eyes closed and just imagine. One arm getting heavier, the other starting to rise. Lighter and lighter.

  That’s it, just let yourself give yourself go to the to the image of the image that I’m giving you. And really feel the weight of the weight and the lightness of the lightness. Fifty times heavier. Fifty times heavier –

  All right. Great. No balloon, Jacqui?

  It’s absolutely fine, Jacqui. Only a bit of fun. If you’d like to rejoin your party. Ladies and gentlemen, Jacqui!

  The HYPNOTIST puts down another chair (‘Jacqui’s’ chair).

  Keith, was it? Nothing? As we say in hypnotism, Keith, if it’s not there it’s just not there! Go back to the audience and rejoin your people. Ladies and gentlemen, Keith!

  The HYPNOTIST puts down another chair (‘Keith’s’ chair).

  Aren’t they doing well?

  The HYPNOTIST talks to the FATHER through the earphones – inaudible to the audience.

  ‘The Hypnotist is going to ask you to put your arm down, but I don’t want you to. Don’t put your arm down until I tell you.’

  Now I’m going to pop that balloon and I’m going to cut that weight, and I want you now just to bring your arms DOWN.

  The HYPNOTIST switches off the hypnotic trance music.

  Bring your arms down. That’s great. (To the imaginary other volunteers.) Bring it down. Bring your arm down, mate. (To the FATHER who still has his arm up.) Alright, and stop. Stop it. Let’s all just stop this, shall we? Put your arm down.

  Now. He’s funny, isn’t he ladies and gentlemen? A bit of a joker.

  You think you’re very funny, don’t you. A night out with your mates, have a few pints, have a laugh. Fuck around.

  We think it’s funny, don’t we? Don’t we, ladies and gentlemen?

  What’s your name, mate?

  Say ‘I can’t move my arms’.

  The HYPNOTIST picks up the FATHER’s replies with his microphone.

  FATHER:

  I can’t move my arms.

  HYPNOTIST:

  Do you think I was born yesterday? Cut it out.

  Say ‘Please untie me?’

  FATHER:

  Please untie me?

  HYPNOTIST:

  A right one here!

  You having a laugh at me? Put your arm down, mate.

  Say ‘I can’t move.’

  FATHER:

  I can’t move.

  HYPNOTIST

  Stop fucking around. This bit’s finished. Isn’t it, Shirley? Richard?

  Take your time, look me in the eyes and say, ‘Please help me.’

  FATHER:

  Please help me.

  The moment is held.

  The sound of the roadside again.

  The HYPNOTIST gives the following instructions directly to the FATHER:

  Brilliant. You can relax your arms. You’re doing really well. Take your time. Enjoy yourself.

  I want you to count to ten in your head, and then stand up.

  The FATHER stands up.

  The HYPNOTIST talks to the FATHER through the headphones:

  ‘You’re by the side of the road again. This is a really important place for you. It’s the place where your daughter was killed. And you come here every morning and you watch the cars go by. Here, where you are, by this road.’

  ‘Now, in your own time and in your own way, I want you to lie down on the floor in front of you.’

  The FATHER lies down on the floor.

  A lorry thunders past.

  As the HYPNOTIST instructs the FATHER through the headphones, he puts down three more chairs, until there are just three remaining – including the piano stool.

  ‘Brilliant. Now we’re going to have some fun! For the moment now, I want you to do exactly what the Hypnotist says. Just follow the Hypnotist’s instructions.’

  Hypnotic trance music starts again.

  HYPNOTIST:

  ...on a golden, sandy beach.

  Beautiful. Lovely. Nice and relaxed. Nice and relaxed. Aren’t they relaxed, ladies and gentlemen? Feel the warmth of the sun beating down and feel your body sinking in to the nice warm golden sand. That’s lovely.

  And now, now, I want you to get up off the floor and come and sit back on your chairs on the stage. That’s it. All three of you. And now, these chairs aren’t your normal chairs, oh no. These are special chairs. These are chairs at the Albert Hall! You’re on stage at the Albert Hall. And I’m going to play some different music, and when the music starts all the ladies and gentlemen in the audience want to see you play the piano. Don’t we ladies and gentlemen? You’re going to play the piano for the ladies and gentlemen. Nod your head if you understand.

  The FATHER nods his head.

  The music’s going to play. When it plays you’re onstage at the Albert Hall and you’re going to play...the...piano!

  The HYPNOTIST stops the trance music.

  Piano music plays. The HYPNOTIST gives the following instruction to the FATHER:

  Keep on playing. Play the piano and really get into it, enjoy it. Close your eyes if you like. When the Hypnotist says “Sleep” that’s when you stop. The Hypnotist saying “Sleep” is your only
cue to stop.

  The HYPNOTIST puts down the remaining two chairs. ‘Aren’t you going to play for the ladies and gentlemen, Shirley?’ etc. Only the FATHER playing the piano on the piano stool is left, surrounded by eight chairs scattered around the stage. The moment is held.